I have been thinking about it , I look at everyone around me , including myself , and I start thinking who is happy? I can speak for myself, I am happy , I mean not that I have everything to be happy but I have the most valuable one , the ability to feel happy no matter what!! I have my blue days , my twilight evenings and my dark windy nights. But like a small mice in an open corn field , under the stars , I always find that little hole , where I can keep myself happy and warm. Gift ? yeah , you could call it that.
I was thinking about my mom today. My father died back in 2005. Before that , my mom had a pretty tight life, obsessed with us. Not letting any one tiny detail let go . I had my fair share of not-so-lovely moments with her , I mean , I was a teenager after all. But just when I passed high school , just like turning a switch on , we became friends. And I witnessed her struggle . She struggled in every situation , required or not . I vowed to myself that I will never turn into her . Now, that is a different story for a different day. Lets get back to my mom. She wanted to be perfect and wanted us to be perfect . She panicked a lot, used to get furious a lot but above all ,she struggled a lot , her whole life to live a perfect life . Now , if you are really reading this shit blog , you will be wondering , for what? And my answer is , for nothing !! Absolutely nothing. I mean , yeah , me and brother, we turned out well. We studied enough and got married. My father had a solid carrier , but nothing required that much struggling. Nope. After my father died, within three years , our family dynamics changed,it changed for good. Both me and my brother graduated, My brother got married , had a kid,moved to a different city only because of his job. I got married and left my country for a completely different country with a man I knew only for an year and a half. All in three years. So, in three years, the most control freak woman , not literally but practically lost the three persons she was obsessed with for 29 years. Now, in my eyes , her real struggle began from that day on. She had everything around her , even relatives living really close and all. She assured both me and my brother unlimited number of time that she is doing really good, very happy with what we two are doing our lives. But no matter how hard she tried to convince me, the void talked to me through her denial. Days become weeks and then to month , before we know it , it became a year,two and even three of that .I still can't imagine my mom , the obsessed and very tensed woman all along, waking up in the morning , with absolutely no goal to reach for.
I talk to her every day , twice or even more than that. She seems happy , the void in her life that haunted me,is wearing off. It is still there but much more bearable. The story of my mom is nothing new, at one point or another, we all become an empty nester. That is the harsh truth. But that brings me to that question again, who is happy? Am I not heading straight towards where my mom is right now? Wasn't she this cut-throat-bitch ready to do anything for her family ,that I am right now? Was she happy back then? All these questions make me feel like , me and my mother , we are one , playing different roles of one single act. Both of us know the ending but too smart to admit it.
I love my mom so much and can actually do so less for her. She doesn't need anything from me except my physical company , the comfort of having your own around you. I don't know about my future or hers. But for now, I am living for the moment , separating each moment from another. I am busy finding my nook and cranny in this wide field of corn ,under the open sky in a very windy night , to keep myself happy.Not thinking about the future , of me or my mom or as a matter of fact , of anyone. This is my coping method. What is yours? Do you even think down this line? Is there any "you" at all? I hope that you are happy , it is a very short life after all.
Who is Happy???
