আরেকবার প্রেমিকা হতে চাই 
শুধু এক ঝলক মিষ্টি হাসি দিয়ে আজীবনের দাস কিনতে চাই
প্রচন্ড গরমে এক ঘন্টা দেরী করে দেখা করতে এসে হাসিমুখ দেখতে চাই
বানভাসি চাঁদের আলোয় আমার অপেক্ষায় কাউকে কষ্ট পেতে দেখতে চাই
রাতের শেষ কথা আর দিনের প্রথম হ্যালো কোনো একজনের কাছ থেকেই শুনতে চাই
শুধু এক পলক দেখবে বলে, প্রচন্ড ভীড় পেরিয়ে শহর এপাড় ওপাড় করা দেখতে চাই
কারো চোখে মোনালিসা হতে চাই
কারো্র প্রাণভোমরা হাতে নিয়ে ঘুরতে চাই
শুধু আরেকবার প্রেমিকা হতে চাই|||

শুধু আটপৌড়ে হতে চাই না ,
হাতের বসে যাওয়া হলুদের দাগই কারো ভালো লাগে, একথা মানতে চাই না
পূর্নিমার রাতে ছেলের হোমওয়ার্ক নিয়ে ভাবতে চাই না
কবিতার খাতায় হঠাৎ করে একদিন বাজারের হিসাব দেখতে চাই না
শুধুই অভ্যাসের বশে তোমাকে গুড নাইট বলতে চাই না
ভালোলাগা যথেষ্ট বলে ভালবাসতে ভুলে যেতে চাই না|
পুরোটা চেনা, তবুও তোমাকে জানার চেষ্টা বন্ধ করতে চাই না|

আর এক্বটা বার
শুধু প্রেমিকা হতে চাই।

Do you know how it feels to be a woman?

Do you know how it feels to be a woman?
It feels like a sky , trapped inside a skylight.
It feels like a sea, inside a raindrop.
It feels like a blizzard, within a snow globe.

Do you know how it feels to be a woman?
It feels fragile , guarding the strength of a million inside.
It feels suffocating ,always standing against the storm.
It feels powerless,with all the power inside to change it all.

Do you know how it feels to be a woman?
It feels like a flower and the thorns are just for show.
It feels like a cotton ball, heavy enough to drown you deep
It feels like a movie, where heroes are born only to die.

Do you know how it feels to be a woman?
It feels crowded, standing at the top of Himalayan.
It feels a lot like love,mostly an illusion.
It feels like the first kiss, you can't forget it.

Mostly, It feels like everything good
and everything bad
and everything in between.
and God help me when I say
if you are not a woman
A second of that will make you shutter.
And , yet, we, women,
we smile
we shine
carrying it all inside.

Emergency

It was your usual depressing emergency room. She looked antsy, paced through the hall twice before she settled down on a chair that has seen better days but really couldn't make herself comfortable. She felt desperate,tapped the floor twice with her boots and whispered "Please be strong, please be strong ."

The wi-fi signal couldn't care less.

#nano #fiction #latenight #এলোঝেলো

BOAR BROTHERS

I was enjoying the view,the sun and the wind.I was also enjoying my company, Cynthia ,a very dear person to me.We were going to see a lighthouse , about two miles away from the shore. The only way to go there is by boat , the tiny silver of land connecting our destination with the mainland is under water most of the time . Frankly speaking , I was kind of happy that we have to go there by a boat ,as it was a pleasant journey indeed. Our captain, whose face is still hazy to me was definitely comfortable in his shoes, sailing the boat on a relatively calm sea . Cynthia was absolutely beaming out of sheer joy,she is the one whose idea this was !! Finally ,we reached our destination.

 It looked liked a piece of gold guarded by two big pieces of rock.One at each end of the land,in between there was this fine yellow dry sand.The lighthouse looked spectacular.So regal and proud, tallest of us all. The sun was already on the west and its rays were making everything look so surreal. I was thanking Cynthia silently for making me come here. As we were getting off the boat , captain announced that he will be back in two hours to pick us up. We settled ourselves in front of one of the rocks, facing the lighthouse. I had "10000 leagues under the sea" , thought it would be the perfect book for the occasion. The wind was fresh,warm and kind of saltine, felt great on my skin.

As I was settling down with my book , I looked at Cynthia and saw how happy she was. She suddenly drew my attention to a distant point, towards the bigger rock on our opposite, I looked at it and saw someone diving straight down to the sea. Actually , there were two of them. Cynthia smiled and said "aha !! the Boar brothers are here too, I see" . I couldn't come up with a sane explanation of diving in such a place without not fearing the possible fatal outcomes that are just waiting to happen.But they were young and brave and they were having fun. After a while, they stopped and started walking towards us. I got a chance to have a good look at them. They were tall, tanned , blonde and blue eyed with an innocent smile on their face. The twins looked like a beacon of life and youth to me. They were that kind of boys, that you would want you daughter to go out for prom with. They were strong and innocent, my instant analogy was an unicorn. They smiled and waved at us , we waved back .I settled on the yellow sand, saw little red crabs running from one hole to the next. The warm,dry sand felt very comforting. I do not remember how much time have passed, I was busy with Jules Verne. 

But something told me that something has changed. And that something was right. The west corner of the sky was pitch black and that black was fast in pace. There was no wind at all. Before I could even realize the whole scenario , everything was out of my control. The calm sea has changed, it was writhing in some kind of anger, the tides were getting bigger by the second. And within seconds there were waves high enough to cover the horizon from us. I was so surprised that it took a few moments before I realized that this is bad, really bad thing happening right now. 


I looked for Cynthia, she looked petrified , standing and looking at the waves like there is no tomorrow. I grabbed her hand and ran to the only place I thought could save us from this storm , the lighthouse. To my surprise Cynthia refused to move. Rather she slowly started to walk towards the waterline. She looked back at me and I saw that she was calm , not scared at all, she wanted out,she wanted to leave it all behind. But I just couldn't leave her there just like that. I took her hand and kind of forced her towards the lighthouse. She cried , she yelled and she wanted me to let her go. But I just couldn't let her commit suicide like that.So we were finally inside the lighthouse. The waves had two new friends, the fierce wind and dense rain. Even inside the lighthouse , I could feel the breakdown of every waves , slashing the shore, cutting through the golden sands.I was trying to lock the door. Cynthia looked numb, crying hysterically, still wanting to go out and end her life. As I finished locking the door, I heard the thump. Someone was hitting the door real hard. It suddenly dawned on me, the Boar brothers. They were on that strip with us too !But it was too late, I couldn't open the door, instead I covered my ears. The thumps on the door grew louder and louder until there was one big sound of a big wave breaking over the lighthouse. After that , there were only moans and groans and sounds of big waves, growing stronger . But I was sure that I have saved a soul against her will and did not even opened the door for those who has chosen life over and over , over death. I swear I have never felt more guilty than this moment. I was silently hoping that storm will be big enough to reap off the lighthouse , so that I don't have to live with this agony. I thought my wish was about to be fulfilled, I heard the glasses shatter into million pieces...all the moans and groans that felt distant , in a second , came real close to me....it was deafening actually...  I was paralyzed with fear. Is this the end of me? 

And then I woke up.....and still can't forgive myself...a dream so real that is making me sad..still...I don't know if that were really a dream or a parallel reality. I am sorry. I couldn't be a bigger human than that.

photo by me: canon beach, OR

WHO IS HAPPY ?

I have been thinking about it , I look at everyone around me , including myself , and I start thinking who is happy? I can speak for myself, I am happy , I mean not that I have everything to be happy but I have the most valuable one , the ability to feel happy no matter what!! I have my blue days , my twilight evenings and my dark windy nights. But like a small mice in an open corn field , under the stars , I always find that little hole , where I can keep myself happy and warm. Gift ? yeah , you could call it that.


I was thinking about my mom today. My father died back in 2005. Before that , my mom had a pretty tight life, obsessed with us. Not letting any one tiny detail let go . I had my fair share of  not-so-lovely moments with her , I mean , I was a teenager after all. But just when I passed high school , just like turning a switch on , we became friends. And I witnessed her struggle . She struggled in every situation , required or not . I vowed to myself that I will never turn into her . Now, that is a different story for a different day. Lets get back to my mom. She wanted to be perfect and wanted us to be perfect . She panicked a lot, used to get furious a lot but above all ,she struggled  a lot , her whole life to live a perfect life . Now , if you are really reading this shit blog , you will be wondering , for what? And my answer is , for nothing !! Absolutely nothing. I mean , yeah , me and brother, we turned out well. We studied enough and got married. My father had a solid carrier , but nothing required that much struggling. Nope. After my father died, within three years , our family dynamics changed,it changed for good. Both me and my brother graduated, My brother got married , had a kid,moved to a different city only because of his job. I got married and left my country for a completely different country with a man I knew only for an year and a half. All in three years. So, in three years, the most control freak woman , not literally but practically lost the three persons she was obsessed with for 29 years. Now, in my eyes , her real struggle began from that day on. She had everything around her , even relatives living really close and all. She assured both me and my brother unlimited number of time that she is doing really good, very happy with what we two are doing our lives. But no matter how hard she tried to convince me, the void talked to me through her denial. Days become weeks and then to month , before we know it , it became a year,two and even three of that .I still can't imagine my mom , the obsessed and very tensed woman all along, waking up in the morning , with absolutely no goal to reach for.


I talk to her every day , twice or even more than that. She seems happy , the void in her life that haunted me,is wearing off. It is still there but much more bearable. The story of my mom is nothing new, at one point or another, we all become an empty nester. That is the harsh truth. But that brings me to that question again, who is happy? Am I not heading straight towards where my mom is right now? Wasn't she this cut-throat-bitch ready to do anything for her family ,that I am right now? Was she happy back then? All these questions make me feel like , me and my mother , we are one , playing different roles of one single act. Both of us know the ending but too smart to admit it.


I love my mom so much and can actually do so less for her. She doesn't need anything from me except my physical company , the comfort of having your own around you. I don't know about my future or hers. But for now, I am living for the moment , separating each moment from another. I am busy finding my nook and cranny in this wide field of corn ,under the open sky in a very windy night , to keep myself happy.Not thinking about the future , of me or my mom or as a matter of fact , of anyone. This is my coping method. What is yours? Do you even think down this line? Is there any "you" at all? I hope that you are happy , it is a very short life after all.



Who is Happy???

Facepalm !!

Life , has always been very much generous to me . Well, at least that is what I like to think . Very frequently there will be always that moment , when I think I am happy with whatever I have . I don't own the latest model car , my professional life is at a standstill , I am not the fairest of them all, but I, still , am happy most of the time. I think it is an inherent quality that I got from my father. Before the tsunami of the trend " less is the new more" , my father used to practice it very well , I guess we would call him trendy today !! But coming back to the point , I am happy most of the times , cause I can extract(if you want , call it powerful imagination) the happiness from absolutely anything . Someone much more famous and controversial than me once said " True happinesss comes from things that are free of cost " FYI this "free of cost" did not imply for the buy one get one "free" kind but free things like mother's love or a flower or sunshine . I am completely aware of the fact that one can buy flower or a ticket to Caribbeans , but lets just focus here .So , bottom line is, I am a basic happy person . But not 100% of the time . Why not??Other than the much obvious legit frustrations of being a human being, I have come to the conclusion that I am really conscious about other people's approval or in common language , my friends activity on my facebook homepage , I hate to say it but it is the truth . I might be alone in this (pretty sure I am not)  whenever I   see one of my "friends" not liking my photo , a small cloud comes on top of me , making me think if he is not liking my posts , may be he doesn't even like me . Don't worry , the cloud is imaginary!!As much as I want to avoid taking it seriously , it affects me badly.  Day by day the cloud morphs in to a giant one and before I know it I am avoiding my friend , on facebook of course. Day by day , the distance increases and at one point I have to re-calibrate myself with the whole situation which means gradually the virtual distance turns to a mental one , unless , that friend gets married or pop out a baby(cute baby is optional here) , in that case , I start liking all of his/her posts without even looking at it . This is a viscous cycle. After talking to a number of my friends and some unplanned careless but absolutely eye-opening research , I am sure we have entered a new era of friendship. Say , a friend of a friend , you met that person once or twice via the mutual friend . sends you a friendship request , you being the normal person accept it and Voila , you are friends. Then a rapid overview of  the person , then he is just there . Starting from that day , he starts to give a couple of "approval "s here and there , couple of "cool"s and "awesome"s and "congrats" and hey , don't lie to me, you like him already !! So, now YOU "approve" his going to a concert of "Kanye West" and write "I want some!!" on his photo of a late night cooking of mac and cheese with tiny broccoli florets cause he was craving it that bad !! OMG you are sharing moments here , give it a couple of months , you know a lot more about each other , that you wouldn't if this was not the era of "facebook" friends.This friendship is completely based on true friendship and being loyal to each other ...naaahhhh....it is based on mutual likes or as I like to call it "approval" and we crave it like crazy. 104 persons approved my photo in hawaii or 25 people liked the meme I shared from a random page.This shit is powerful , no less addicting than a drug. Right now, we are approval driven , admit it or not. The problem looks silly on the surface but it is growing it's root so deep , someday , we might need to re-think our whole way of internet socializing. I am talking about our younger generation , our future . I am in my mid 20-s , and I think I learned well how to process any given situation in a very adult way , even I struggle time to time , to let go , to minimize the power of approval on me. If I want to say it nakedly , for all of us , we just don't want to be happy , we want to be happier than all.We upload our photos only when it is perfect , we take 100 photos , upload one , the one that looks perfect to us , the one that people will "approve" the most .We don't upload the photo where our makeup is melting like butter or the crappy chinese take out we had the other day. Yes, you do it too . Keep saying no to me as much as you desire . But we all do it(not because NIKE told us to , we would do it anyways) . I don't know where we are heading with this , but not somewhere "perfect" . People still had friends , also a life in pre-facebook era , may be not a perfect one , but for sure with less deep down under frustration centered around other's approval. I have seen people deleting photos, posts because those were not enough "approved" , suddenly those photos lose the importance to them. Recently there was three studies conducted by Stanford University , one I particularly remember was the one where  the researchers found that their subjects consistently underestimated how dejected others were–and likely wound up feeling more dejected as a result. Go figure !!

Thankfully, I don't have kids yet ,before I have them here, I have to figure out a way to protect them from the unfortunate addicting satisfaction from being approved by all .Right now I have none. Hmmmm, I think inventing a time machine would be easier!!!

Approve me please.


Just in case , you are wondering , who that more famous and controversial person than me whom I quoted , He is ... drum roll please , President Bill Clinton. Told you he was controversial !!